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Old 01-29-2010, 09:26 PM   #1
jethromt
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Default Yasur's Horus story

i have finaly finished my story and please enjoy. Its my 1st story and im still young(early teens) and my puctuation isnt good either so please give me possitive feedback and maybe a good job.

please enjoy



It was a warm, misty morning as the sun began to rise over PB where the
Elites of Mirage were planning the raid of the Syrtian stronghold of Herbred.
“Why not go to the left of the right-end on the left side of the back of fort”, said Kon Dalfin excitedly.
“Huh?”
“Or we can do it old style of kill guards and break door down”, shouted Yasur angrily
as all he could hear was Artec Jr bashing his shield against the bridge sides.
“What the hell are you doing Terminator!” exclaimed Kon.
“Just testing gravity, yup its works so let’s say we head out”,

As the group got closer to Herbred, they noticed all the guards were still asleep.
“lazy gelfs”, scuffed Dasniper as he couldn’t help but stare at the guards.
It didn’t take long before the heavy mist that made Herb look like a ghost
Fort rose and the elites could break down the tough wooden door.

After the fort was taken, Yasur noticed some Alsius approaching the fort and shouted
“Goats ahead”,
After the call was heard everyone jumped to their feet and prepared for battle. As the goats got closer, Mir could see a goat named Arcan Heartsfang leading the group.
“Hop along young padawans”, shouted Arcan as he happily drank his bevloed mead while Artec mumbled
“well we’re screwed”.

The first Alsius to charge, a barb named Rumple Foreskin was easily cut down by arrows from Moahoken and Dark Vader. A new Alsius Warrior was killed as he was smashed against the wall by Artec’s shield. The great Kyromittius, Klutu, and Ultimate slammed their weapons into the poor, helpless Kon Dalfin. As the other Alsius moved out of arrow range, Dune Soldier arrived with a group of Imperial Guards to help the Mirage Elites.
“All archers on wall”, shouted Muerta as she and Lucylu began to show their mighty skill as they sent a storm of arrows into the face all Ultimate. Seeing this all the Alsius ran from battle except Arcan who stay along wall. Yasur then decided it was time to unleash
His secret weapon. As he turned to face Arcan, he done a epic kick to the nuts followed by the hammer on the head. Moments later the area was silent and no goats to be seen, that was the end of the battle.

As Mirage was packing up to head back to the great city of Medenet, they paid their respect to fallen comrade and member Kon Dalfin. The group left the area as silently as they came as the fort was now under the army control and was mission was successful, they now await their next Mission.
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Old 01-29-2010, 09:31 PM   #2
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Very Nice Story

Ulti can't Die you should of killed me, Ulti's too nice to be killed :P
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Old 01-29-2010, 09:49 PM   #3
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Sweet story yasur ^^
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Old 01-29-2010, 10:03 PM   #4
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not bad, could use a bit of detail. but it definitely has potential. i suggest elaborating on what happens when something gets kicked or smashed. for instance, "the alsius warrior was smashed against the wall by artec's shield, crushing his skull and killing him instantly"

of course you wouldnt want to use that again but it just an example.

looking forward to the next story
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Old 01-29-2010, 11:25 PM   #5
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This is by far the best story on these forums. Period. Epic man. Great job. Love your secret weapon. Seriously the best story ever. Mad props Yasur.
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Old 01-29-2010, 11:25 PM   #6
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Kick to the nuts ftw. Why the hell isn't terminator talking in caps?
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Old 01-29-2010, 11:27 PM   #7
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Cool Story bro.


Nah, jokes good job Yasur
Cant wait for the next one
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Old 01-30-2010, 12:12 AM   #8
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Though it does need more detail and maybe a bit more to sink your teeth into (blood, gore violence) it was a good first story and i enjoyed it. One small thing though, members of the legion rarely run we usually res at altar and say 'well that was fun.' and Rumpe failing like a pro again!! gringgo is gonna get depressed soon XD

Keep it up Yasur, take your time with them and try to give us a bit more detail about whats going on in the battle.

P.S. Klutu is right we'd all much rather you kill him off than Ulti :P or put him in a humiliating attire.
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Old 01-30-2010, 04:09 AM   #9
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thank you all for ur good advice and nice comments and i was actually gonna think bout killing klutu but ulti kills me alot in wz and so i had this chance for him to get killd(sry klutu maybe next story it will be ur turn to die hehe)

I do not know when il do my next it may be 4 days away or 2 weeks it just depends and with school starting again next week i wont have much time on my hands.

thank you
yasur
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Old 01-30-2010, 05:00 AM   #10
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nice story

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gawyn_Trakkand View Post
.....

P.S. Klutu is right we'd all much rather you kill him off than Ulti :P or put him in a humiliating attire.
bwahahaha! yes, I agree ^^
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